An Unexpected Moment of Peace

Part of the after-dinner routine is to take our doggie, Willow, out for a bathroom break and a bit of exercise. There's a park behind our development with an open, grassy field, which makes for a perfect site for off-leash fun. There weren't any soccer or softball practices tonight, and so Willow and I went to that empty field so she could run unfettered -- and run she did.

Willow was tired after several sprints after a good throwing stick, chasing it up and down the field; and so we came to a pause next to the stick after she found it. Willow lay down in the cool grass and commenced an easy, contented gnawing on the stick. I stood there for a moment looking at her and, after noticing a brief but intense flicker of distracted, hurried anxiety from within -- an automatic "we have to get going!" response -- I decided to sit right down in the grass next to her.

In an instant, and all of a sudden, my world changed.

I noticed -- no, I saw -- the trees that ring the field. I saw their branches waving gently in the breeze. I saw the clear, muted blue of the evening sky above us. I felt the soft, cool grass underneath, and noticed how comfortable I felt sitting there on it. I felt it in my hands, and gently tugged on a handful of it -- not so hard as to pull it out, but rather to feel its strength and vitality. I breathed. I blinked.

I noticed I was more or less facing one particular tree across the field. I took in its green deciduous leaves. I traced the space between it and myself. A metaphor occurred to me. An affirmation arose. The tree could be a destination. It is my intention to remain awake and alive for each step of my walk across the field to that tree. Once there, I will acknowledge my journey and my arrival. I will then choose another destination and proceed; or, absent that immediate transition, I will sit at the foot of my new station and wait for a destination to occur to me.

I laughed easily and quietly.

Willow lay there, absorbed in her gnawing conquest of the throwing stick. I gave her a few pats on the back, and gently combed out some loose fur with my hands. I watched it flutter away in the breeze.

For those moments, I was there. I was real, and the world was real.

We stood up. I gathered the stick, and clipped her leash back onto her collar. We started our walk back home across the field. I found another stick. Willow convinced me to throw it to her a few times. I stashed the sticks in a place where we could easily find them again. For next time. We came home.

Goodnight, and thank you for reading.

What I'm Working on Today

Today, my intention is to stay present. I notice that my attention often follows my thoughts, and that I otherwise retreat inward. And so today, I am revisiting mindfulness; I am revisiting the experience of consciously occupying the present moment.

Link: "12 Tools for More Mindful Living"

This is a great article. Big recommendation!

Link ---> Embodied Presence: Find Freedom from Your Thoughts and Emotions (Tiny Buddha)

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/embodied-presence-find-freedom-from-painful-thoughts-and-emotions/

Not About Mindfulness...Or Is It?

My post today was originally going to be a vehicle for me to assert my opinion that mindfulness-based approaches to mental health therapy are superior to other approaches. I was also going to discuss practicing mindfulness in day to day life, lauding its efficacy as a tool of personal development. I was going to say those things, and say them proudly. I still want to, actually, because I believe them to be true. But I'm not going to, because I had one of those head-smacking "OY" moments you have when you realize you've made a rookie mistake.

What was the mistake?

It's simple: I was mistaking my subjective, personal beliefs for objective, generalizable truth. I was projecting my experiences onto you, Dear Reader, and I was going to rubber-stamp it. My bad. I'm glad I didn't go through with it. 

What I'm left with, then, is a mixed-bag perspective, which I will now scribble out in the following paragraphs.

I'm not going to beat myself up for wanting to share my opinion with an authoritative voice. For one, this is "my" blog, you know, and I'm allowed to do that if I want to (hehe). For another, it's perfectly normal to be biased in favor of one's own experiences, perspectives, and beliefs. (Incidentally, as we proceed through life, we tend to embrace information that reinforces our beliefs, and ignore/reject information that contradicts our beliefs -- a phenomenon also known as "confirmation bias.") 

Anyway, our abilities to both communicate our subjective experiences to others, and to consider the subjective experiences of others, are pretty amazing and essential aspects of what it means to be alive. So while the word subjective sometimes carries negative connotations, it really isn't negative at all -- not in essence, anyway. 

To be sure, subjectivity can become quite negative if it isn't acknowledged and accounted for. That is, if one takes one's own perspective to be Absolute Truth, and attempts to impose it on others as such, then the potential for doing harm is very great indeed. Because let's face it: each of us is unique, such that no single perspective could ever hope to resonate with, or be of relevance or use to, ALL of us -- and certainly not in the same way, and certainly not as intended by the original perspective-bearer. 

Consider the religions of the world, for example. Within any given religion, there is a broad range of approaches, and even beliefs, among adherents and clergy: some emphasize ABC, while others emphasize XYZ, while others maybe emphasize Q and P, and a little bit of M. Ya dig what I'm getting at here? 

I'm reminded now of why I loved -- still love -- my grad school training, which culminated in a Master of Social Work (MSW) degree: in it, I was reminded to be aware and respectful of the intrinsic power I hold as a practitioner. To that end, I was reminded to never lose sight of two very important facts: 1) Each of us has the right to self-determination. That is, each of us has the right to do whatever we see fit for ourselves. 2) Each of us is the expert of our own lives. 

Those are incredibly valuable -- and crucial -- things for me to remember as I work on this blog. 

The ideas I share in this space will necessarily be of a subjective nature, you know? They're my ideas -- or, at the very least, they're other people's ideas that I've interpreted through my own life experiences. Do I think they're valuable? You bet I do. Do I think they can help people? Yes indeed. But I strive to remind myself, too, that my ideas won't resonate with everyone, and that, indeed, they aren't even applicable to everyone. 

There's a real freedom, and a real peace, in that. 

Thanks for reading. 

Words, Words, Words

I have an app on my phone called, "Transform Your Life," which, aside from being simple, easy to use, and all-around awesome, is a really helpful daily practice touchstone -- for me, anyhoo. I have it set such that every day at a designated time, I am notified of a new reading and its accompanying assignment. Most of them are excellent, and sometimes the timing of their appearance is downright uncanny.

Today's reading and assignment were, for me, equal measures humorous, humbling, and ponderous. Here's a screenshot:

On one level, today's reading is a little tough for my ego, because I'm a "words guy." I pride myself on my ability to use language as a tool in service of meaningful precision and clarity. And yet, "words are the fog one has to see through." Hehe. It's always a little bit humorous, I think, when the ego bubble gets poked. 

And of course it's true. That's not to say I'm wrong, or that words and language have no place in fostering peace, understanding, recovery, growth, and enlightenment (of course they do); but it is a reminder that we, all of us, construct our realities through language. We have names for everything; we attach meaning to things; we call them good and bad...our thoughts and reflections are shaped and limited by our language. 

Thus, language is a double-edged sword. It has the power to free us, and it has the power to imprison us. And it does both at times, most assuredly. 

So what's with the assignment?

To me, it means that I am to sit down and let in some silence. To take even a single minute to get really simple: to sit down, breathe, and notice what's happening with me. 

In my experience, the literal and figurative words which emerge from these places of quiet and simplicity are the truest of the true; they are the ones that lead to the heart of things.

Snapshot: "Leaving Hell" (part 2)

Snapshot: CRISIS

Boxing Jello

When I was younger and having a really hard time, I would try to change the way I felt through sheer, willful force. I would perform mental gymnastics that would make a Russian Olympian jealous in my futile attempts at retooling my savage emotional life. Initially, I didn't realize my efforts were just that -- futile. And now that I've learned the lesson, I've come to think of that process as being akin to punching a giant cube of jello: it might yield at first, but it just coagulates around your fist and reforms after you pull back; and all you, the puncher-in-earnest, are left with is your frustration: the jello remains.

The first step for me was to realize that hey, maybe I should just let myself feel however I happen to feel at any given moment. That, in turn, opened the door to the important realization that negative feelings, even powerful ones such as anger, are not intrinsically bad. I had affixed a lot of meaning to anger in particular; I believed -- very strongly -- it was just that: bad. When you believe something to be bad, you generally try to avoid it; and I had practiced a lifetime of avoiding anger and other negative feelings -- to deleterious effects, as it turned out.

The problem with attempts to outright reject, change, or avoid thoughts and feelings is that it doesn't really work. The harder you push, the harder they push back; your efforts just amplify their force. Avoidance seems to do the trick, because you sort of don't have to experience the feeling for awhile. But instead of going away, the feeling gathers strength, becomes toxic, and forces its way out, one way or the other -- maybe as explosive, uncontrolled rage, or passive-aggressiveness, or drug abuse, or overeating, or under eating, or self-harm, etc.

And that's the tragic thing, folks: when you try to avoid, reject, or otherwise forcefully control your feelings, they gather strength and seize control of you.

So what's a person to do? To be sure, it's an uphill battle, for a couple reasons. The first is that the behavior pattern I described above is complicated, and can be difficult to change; it can take time, effort, and patience. The other reason is that our society reinforces and encourages those behaviors. For example, men are supposed to square their jaw and "lock it up." Traditionally, in many cultures, men aren't supposed to talk about their feelings. They're supposed to be dominant, stoic. And if they fly into the occasional rage, punch a wall, scream at their partner, get into a fight, etc., well, then, boys will be boys, right? Drink a six pack on a Tuesday, and all is right with the world. Women, on the other hand, are supposed to be emotional. As a result of their "emotional dispositions," tradition holds, women are supposed to be irrational, manipulative, passive-aggressive, and have hidden agendas. As long as they're deferential, obsessed with their appearance, modest, into gossip, and really interested in shopping, what's the problem?

My view is that there's a big problem there. These roles, these "supposed to's," destroy people. These roles and rules render behaviors taboo which might otherwise promote clarity, calm, and health. God forbid, right? Not everyone fits into those tidy little buckets. I'd venture to say that, given the problems those roles create, no one actually fits into those tidy little buckets.

Our thoughts and feelings are part of us, but they are not our entire person, any more than our hands, feet, eyes, or nose are our entire person. When we get a head cold, our body lets us know what's happening; we get achy, we get a sore throat, we get tired. These "symptoms" are messages from our body, saying, "Hey! I need you to rest, drink lots of water, and dial it back a notch or two!" Our thoughts and feelings are messengers, too, and they operate in a similar manner. Instead of seeking to change or reject them, it's helpful, in my experience, to get curious about them: "Hey, I'm really sad, and I don't know why. What's that sadness trying to 'tell' me?"

That's it: acceptance, curiosity, and compassion. Have a good day, folks!

Addendum to "A Certain 'F You' Sensibility"

I want to clarify my use of the word "control" in my last post. Control is a precious commodity, and it's something we don't ever really possess in great measure; i.e., we control very, very little in our lives. So when I said "control," I meant it; but the things I was really referring to were mindfulness and autonomy. The more mindful and autonomous we are, the better-equipped we are to take the reigns, so to speak, of our own lives, as opposed to being knocked around by our feelings, our thoughts, our automatic behaviors, and our fears.

Thanks!

A Certain "F You" Sensibility

(This post contains some adult language.)

I can't remember if I've ever mentioned it here, but I studied theater in college with an emphasis in acting. (In fact, I went on to pursue a career in theater for a few years after I graduated, but that's a story for another time.)

It was really difficult.

Before you start laughing ("Haha -- I studied engineering; you have no idea what "difficult" is), know that an intensive study of acting basically equates to human behavior boot camp. Learning how to "live truthfully within imaginary circumstances" (Sanford Mesiner's definition of acting), i.e., live onstage -- in the moment, natural, free, listening, focusing, responding, speaking, etc. -- while other people are watching you, is a very difficult task. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you it entails learning how to be a person all over again, from the most basic tasks, such as walking, on up.

As you might imagine, learning how to act is a process unique to each person. We each have our own learned restrictions, both conscious and subconscious, which stand in the way of the kind of truthful living required of a person when they're acting. Many of those restrictions are there for good reason in day-to-day life. But if you're going to be an actor, you have to be willing to face them, break them down, and proceed in spite of them.

That's a tall order, believe me. Letting go of defense mechanisms is really scary. After all, they're called defense mechanisms for a reason: they're in place to ostensibly protect us from vulnerability and danger.

The revelatory part, though, is that this frightening process of constantly letting go of your defenses eventually teaches you that you are far stronger than you had ever previously imagined. That's a very cool thing to realize. And it's empowering, furthermore, because you begin to realize that, hey, maybe I don't need to carry all these defenses around with me; maybe I can be more selective with them.

Maybe, by letting go, I'm actually opening the door to being in greater control of myself. 

That's awesome. That right there is real self-awareness, mindfulness, and control.

The path to letting go is not smooth and straight. It's a bumpy road, with lots of switchbacks and intersections. You've got to buckle up and be willing to stick with it, and have patience. It's a tall order.

Many of my acting classes were very Socratic in the sense that they involved a lot of dialogue between the students and the professor. In one class in particular, the dialogue largely concerned identifying defense mechanisms and the do-able process of moving beyond them. I remember my professor saying to us, "It takes a certain 'fuck you' attitude. You're saying 'fuck you' to your fears: your fear of what will happen if you let go; and your fear of others' judgment."

It was a powerful statement. Little did I know at the time, it contained a wisdom which transcends acting and applies to many of our struggles in life. For example, many people have a hard time being assertive. And when they decide to give assertiveness a shot, they feel anxious and out of control -- as if they're being aggressive, in fact. The truth of the matter, though, is that their emotional barometer isn't on point: it's fogged up by their fear. So what feels like aggression is simply fear trying to maintain its grip, and keep the person from doing something new.

If there's an aspect of your life you want to change, or if there's something you want to let go, or if you want to behave differently in some regard, take heed. Know that the restriction which is keeping you from doing what you actually want to do is nothing more than fear. Most of the time, the fear is simply a byproduct of old hurts, and is not applicable to your present circumstances. Tell the fear, "Fuck you, you can't keep me from being the person I want to be," and leap into action.

It'll be scary, but it'll be worth it. And with practice, you'll find that it gets easier, and that your courageousness takes flight.

Reframing for Opportunity and Productivity

We all have problems. Some problems are easy to handle: we manage them without distress and move on. Other problems, though, are more difficult. They play on our fears, and they elicit powerful thoughts, impulses, and feelings. The resulting psychological discomfort may tempt us into groping after quick-fix avoidant behaviors which, after all, don't actually help -- and may exacerbate -- the problem. It happens to all of us. As I recently said, none of us is invulnerable in this life. We all have buttons that can be pushed, and life sure as hell pushes them sometimes.

The problem, as I see it, is when we get bogged down and knocked off track by our problems, and especially when we allow our problems to consume us. When things go wrong that really bother us, it's all-too-easy to fall into a pessimistic, angry, and/or victim mentality. The issue with such a mentality, aside from the fact that it exacerbates our suffering, is that it can limit or block altogether our ability to adjust, connect with our goals, and move on.

Pessimism, negativity, anger, and feeling like a victim are normal human experiences, but they are, nevertheless, subjective experiences. Persistent patterns of beliefs in those regards are products of what we call concrete thinking, and its limiting potential is endless -- not a good thing for the intrepid life journeyer. (For illustration, think about the most pessimistic person you know, and recall a conversation with them. If you think about the things they tend to say, you'll probably notice the utter conviction of their views; that is, they firmly, steadfastly believe that their worldview is the way it is, period.) Since persistent negativity is such a powerful experience, though, and since most of us don't necessarily intuitively question our beliefs, it's very tempting to automatically believe and identify with these negative views.

When this happens, and when we are stuck in this type of persistent pattern of thought, we have to recalibrate our thinking in order to truly move on. Fortunately, there's a simple technique -- a simple question -- we can use to help us achieve this aim, and all it requires is a little willpower. Why willpower? Because we will probably discover that negativity has its own allure, and doesn't relinquish control easily. The negativity I'm talking about, after all, is a defense mechanism, and is designed, strange though it may sound, to provide comfort against the pain of disappointment, feeling powerless, and fear. It's kind of like "The Force" in Star Wars: there's a light side and a dark side; the dark side is very powerful and, therefore, tempting -- but it only leads to decay, corruption, slavery, and death. Who needs that? I sure as hell don't. So if we find ourselves succumbing to the gravity of negative thinking, we have to choose something different, and work to make that something different happen.

I digress. The question-thought-technique is simple, and it goes something like this: "Ok, Self, you're miserable. This, this, this, and this are going badly, and everything sucks -- we've established that, right? Right. Ok, let me think...if all this stuff equals misery, and misery equals pain and suffering, then I don't want that, right? Right. So if that's what I don't want...(wait for it)...then what do I want?"

That's it! That's all there is to it! You have to force yourself into thinking about what you want, instead of ruminating perpetually about things you obviously don't. Thinking about what you want unlocks, and allows you to explore, the positive world within yourself, which is where all the good stuff that propels a person in life comes from: hopes, dreams, aspirations, motivation, clarity, passion, and resolve. And the really good news is this: Negative thinking tends to perpetuate more negative thinking, much like a trap, or a downward, never-ending spiral. Positive thinking works on the same self-perpetuating principle, except its results are freedom, joy, and achievement.

Do it up! :)

What do you love to do?

The title of this post pretty much sums it up. There's a lot of benefit to be derived from answering that question, or from even just giving yourself space and time to consider the question.

If "love" is too strong a word to start with, use "like" instead. And if "like" is too much for now, try "enjoy." Do not impose rules on how you answer! It can be a brainstorming process if you like, or you can sit and ponder it and write out a single sentence or phrase. Work with your preference of the moment.

I recently posted about the practice of noting daily the things you've done well, or are proud of, etc. Likewise, answering this question can be part of your daily practice. Or, it can simply be a reminder to yourself; or a springboard to finding your way back to the answers within.

Mindfulness Article

The link below will take you to a great article about the practice and benefits of mindfulness by Jay Dixit at "Psychology Today." It's well worth the read!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200810/the-art-now-six-steps-living-in-the-moment