Link: "3 Keys to Being Happy, No Matter What Happens"

Click here for an uplifting, concise article by MW de Jesus at TinyBuddha.com. de Jesus outlines three straightforward, do-able steps to fostering real well-being. Enjoy!

Feeling Good: Exercise and Mental Health

(the author can be cheesy at times)

You've probably heard it before: exercise makes you feel good. You've probably heard all about endorphins and dopamine, too, and how even modest physical exercise affects the levels of those brain chemicals, which in turn leads to an increased sense of well-being.

My guess is that most of you have read all that stuff at some point, nodded your heads in approval, and surfed on over to the next article of interest without making a single change.

Who can blame you? I certainly can't. Exercise is tough. Besides, there's a big difference between understanding a good idea and implementing a good idea. You can probably point to several examples of that principle in your own life: those habits you keep that you know are bad for you, that letter you've been meaning to write but never seem to get around to, etc. It can be difficult to put a good idea into practice -- exercise among the rest!

The way I see it, the problem with exercise is that there's a relative delay between the activity and the perceived payoff, whereas most of us tend to prefer immediate results. That is, if we're going to do something, we want to see results now. We want to feel good now. It can be difficult, therefore, to stick to something like exercise, which is often uncomfortable in the short term, and for which the positive results aren't always readily apparent.

What I want to say, though, is this: all the stuff you've read about exercise making you feel better is true. I'll say it again, differently: Exercise really does increase your senses of happiness and well-being. 

Now, please note I'm not saying exercise is a cure for everything. But I am saying, with great assurance, that it helps.

I started being more physically active about a year ago, and I can't overstate how much I've benefited from it. Here are some specific ways it's helped me feel better:

-I'm more comfortable with my body.
-I suffer less from random aches and pains.
-I sleep better.
-I'm less "moody." Put another way, I'm more "even keel," emotionally speaking.
-I have an abiding sense of well-being.
-I'm more alert and focused during the day.
-I feel a sense of accomplishment during and after a workout.
-I feel proud to know I'm doing something truly positive and healthy for myself.
-I get to enjoy my mode of exercise.
-If I'm feeling negative before or during my workout, I get to use my workout as an outlet.
-I've gained heightened awareness and understanding of myself.
-I get to reinforce the knowledge that I can achieve my goals.
-I experience being "taught" by my workouts, which, I've learned, are active, personal metaphors, and sources of great inspiration.

I'm not a fitness guru, so I don't have specific advice about any particular workout regimen. I will say, however, that I think it's important to do something you enjoy. I love to walk, for instance, so I do that. I discovered fairly recently that I also love to jog and bike, so I do those things, too. And since I enjoy those things, actually doing them doesn't feel like such a chore, you know? I look forward to doing them. Plus, I've found the more I do them, the more I want to do them. In other words, a sort of momentum has set in: it's easier now to keep up with my exercise habits than it used to be.

Now, listen: the benefits I've described in this post didn't appear for me overnight. It's taken time. What's helped me, though -- and I think this is key -- is I've made a point of giving myself positive feedback before, during, and after my workouts, even if it feels like BS at the time. That is, I've given myself due praise for making room in my life to feel good.

A few final thoughts: even if you're thinking about it, you're on your way. I recommend acknowledging that to yourself. Also, there are lots of terrific and inspirational -- and FREE -- resources on the Internet that can help you get started, or stay on track. Check it out.

Thanks for reading.

It Dawned on Me Today

I think it dawned on me today
I think I figured it out
How to choose happiness

How to pluck it from the flood of thoughts
How to choose it
As if I were selecting vegetables at the grocery store
Looking each one over
Returning the ones that don't suit me
Selecting the ones that do
And moving on

Deciding with each selection
That my happiness
My sense of joy
My sense of ease
My sense of wellness
That feeling of feeling good
Is the most important thing

Because if I don't
If I avoid the choice
Or if I choose the rotten vegetables
The ones that make me sick
The ones that hurt me
That make me believe I'm broken
And dark
Then I become Slave to my misery
Always in relation to my misery
Chained to my misery
Unable to see another way
Or the existence of anything but it

So today I choose something else
Today I choose to feel good
Today is the day I decided
I am pretty great, as a matter of fact

Yes I am

Loss and Grieving

Coping with the loss of someone or something important is one of the most difficult tasks a person can face. It is in our nature, after all, to get attached to things; and, to put it clinically, when the object of our attachment is gone, we suffer. Its absence leaves what feels like a gaping void in our hearts, and the grief can be overwhelming, all-encompassing.

We get attached to people, places, and things. We get attached to our routines, our opinions, our beliefs, our goals, our homes, our lifestyles, our expectations.

It's almost as if we're lined with an adhesive, we get so attached to things.

And that's okay.

Attachments really only become an evident issue for us when we experience suffering. Fortunately, the consideration of suffering is a road well-traveled by our forebears, and we can all lean on their wisdom and guidance for assistance. The Buddha, for example, addressed the matter of human suffering in great detail. Regardless of your religious or spiritual identity / orientation, and even regardless of whether you believe in a higher power, are agnostic, or are atheist, The Four Noble Truths are useful guides in view of suffering. I recommend taking a look at them.

I'm not here to promote Buddhism, though. I'm here to talk about what it feels like to lose something, to grieve, and to heal.

Loss can make one feel utterly empty. It can feel shocking, unreal, and overwhelming. Loss can incite feelings of incredible sadness and longing. It can feel as if one's entire world has ended, and has been swallowed up, furthermore, by some deep and terrible void. It can feel like it's never going to end, and that there's no hope. Chances are good, actually, that a major loss will incite any combination of those experiences in a person. 

Grieving -- something which follows and emerges from loss -- is a process. And as with any emotional process, it's a safe bet to expect some tumult; that is, a person who is grieving will probably experience a wide spectrum of feelings, and will very possibly be on the proverbial emotional roller coaster. What's more, each person's grieving process will "look" different, and will span any number of days, weeks, months, or years, even.

Are you familiar with the concept of the Five Stages of Grief (as articulated by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)? They can be a useful guide for better-understanding the grieving process. One thing I learned, though, is that the stages do not necessarily occur in order. Oftentimes, a person who is grieving will, for example, experience several stages simultaneously, or will revisit stages as time goes on. That fluidity between the stages is important to keep in mind, because it can otherwise be very confusing and disappointing if one finds themselves "regressing."

Another important consideration is that different cultures have different perspectives on loss and grieving. ("Culture," in this case, can refer to groups big and small, from entire populations on down to families.) There is extraordinary diversity among attitudes toward death, for example. There are rules and guidelines among different cultures, both written and unwritten, which inform the processes of grieving and letting go.

At any rate, that brings us to the question, what does it mean to heal in the wake of a loss? The thing that keeps returning to my mind around this question is a metaphor I learned as an intern mental health counselor:

Imagine your heart (not the organ; rather, your center of feeling) is a glass. When you suffer a major loss, it's as if a large, foreign object is uncomfortably wedged into the glass. What many people hope for is that, over time, the foreign object -- the burden of the loss, the pain and suffering -- will shrink. While that may be so, there's a better way to think about it: imagine that the glass, your heart, expands over time, thereby more comfortably accommodating the sense of loss.

I love that metaphor, because it's true: Loss doesn't entirely go away, but our abilities to accommodate it and integrate it into our daily lives do expand.

We cannot help but be indelibly changed when we experience loss. But we aren't forever diminished by loss, either. No. Instead, we are transformed by loss. If we attend to our suffering in a compassionate manner, we are transformed into beings with greater capacities for love, peace, self-knowledge, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, and compassion. We are transformed into more complete versions of ourselves -- as if a layer of steam has been wiped off a window.

Thanks for reading.

Releasing the Grip of Anxiety: Acceptance & Compassion

I want to write about anxiety. First of all, everyone feels anxious periodically. It's part of caring about things, and it's part of being human. Like other emotional experiences, anxiety provides us with important feedback in a given situation. It's adaptive, it's necessary to our well-being, it's valuable, and it's good. There's nothing wrong with anxiety in and of itself.

Some of us, though, experience anxiety to a disruptive, invasive, and even debilitating extent. And of course, this can be an occasional experience, or a persistent one, or one that waxes and wanes, or one that eventually disappears altogether, etc. There's a lot of variation with it.

Anyway, how do we differentiate between normal/healthy anxiety and problematic anxiety? My view, in general terms, is that anxiety (or any experience, really) is an issue when it persistently, invasively interferes with one's ability to function in a personally satisfying way.

(Incidentally, my view is pretty common among mental health professionals, and it more or less jives with how the various mental health "disorders" are defined by the DSM-IV-TR, which is the clinical reference guide used by mental health professionals in the USA [and some other parts of the world].)

There are many so-called Anxiety Disorders in the DSM, and for brevity's sake, I will not discuss them all here. And besides, that's enough about the problem of anxiety -- let's move into a discussion of ideas and solutions.

I think anxiety's roots are in avoidance. That is NOT to say I think it is a person's "fault" for having a problem with anxiety -- not at all!! Here's the thing: I think we all want to feel good. So when something really bad happens to a person, they do the best they can to move on with their life. And sometimes that entails developing new sets of beliefs about themselves, and about life in general; and sometimes it also entails compartmentalizing or otherwise pushing aside one's thoughts and feelings.

That all makes sense, especially in view of our intuitive desire to feel good. "Avoidance," then, in this case, is about avoiding that which causes suffering. The problem, though, is that it doesn't really work -- at least, not when it comes to the often messy reality of our inner lives. That's what I meant when I posted this image a few weeks ago:

What disruptive anxiety "says" to me, then, is that the sufferer probably has some inner "stuff" they need to approach and consider in order to truly move on. In other words, one's past must be accepted and released before one can truly occupy the present in happiness and health.

I'll be straight-up with you: The process of approaching one's "stuff" is usually pretty scary and uncomfortable; and that can seem a little counter-intuitive, of course, seeing as how the ultimate goal is achieving a greater measure of peace. 

The thing is, that's okay. Sometimes, that which seems paradoxical conceals a deeper truth. 

Take it slow. Whether you choose to undertake the process on your own, or with another person's assistance (i.e., a counselor), make sure you're in a safe, secure place in which you feel as free as possible to express anything that comes up. Also, set an expectation for yourself that it won't necessarily be a linear, quick-fix process -- and setting that expectation is important, by the way, because it invokes the keys to release: Acceptance and Compassion.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that self-directed Acceptance and Compassion are ALWAYS harbingers of positive things to come in terms of peace, happiness, well-being, clarity, balance, and achievement. 

Here's the beautiful thing: we don't necessarily have to like something in order to accept it; and we don't necessarily have to agree with someone's actions in order to show them compassion. 

In other words, it's okay to say, "Wow, that thing that happened was really unpleasant. It was really painful. I really wish it hadn't happened." You can retain that basic attitude and still, at the end of the day, augment it with acceptance: "But it did happen. It happened. I survived it, and I'm sitting here right now."

We all have aspects of ourselves which we don't like. We've all done things we regret. We've all done things which, even today, make us feel sad and guilty to ponder. We've all done things in violation of our senses of right and wrong. And we've all had bad things done to us.

While that stuff isn't great, it doesn't mean we deserve to forever languish under the burden of displaced torment.

I firmly believe that we are all worthy of happiness and peace -- which means that we are worthy of acceptance, worthy of compassion, and worthy of forgiveness. 

After all, none of us is perfect. Let me repeat that (in all caps): NONE OF US IS PERFECT. (You might not like it, but you have to accept it.) What that means, in part, is that we periodically make big mistakes. Sometimes we screw up and hurt other people; sometimes other people screw up and hurt us.

The only thing to do is practice acceptance and compassion.

And it starts with us. It starts with each of us giving those things to ourselves, first and foremost. It starts with each of us being the kindest, most loving friend to ourselves that we can imagine. 

You, Dear Reader, are worth it. I know it in my bones. 

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you have an awesome day. 

Leaving Hell

I've made several prolonged trips to Hell. Each visit was quite terrible in its own way, and I realize, as a result, just what a vast, dynamic place Hell really is. My tour bus took me from solitary wastelands to crowded peaks, and everywhere in between. (I hope you realize I'm not speaking literally.)

Hell is the capital-w Worst, it really is. It seems to have an ability to customize itself to fit precisely the vulnerabilities of each of its visitors. It is such a torturous, despairing place, and there are some -- many -- who don't make it out alive.

I made it out alive, obviously. And I've been determined, in recent years, to make efforts which might help others who are going through their own versions of Hell, whatever that looks like. Hence, this blog, for example.

If you've been following along here in recent times, you'll have noticed I've created a number of what I call "snapshots" -- images, with several lines of pointed or inspirational text superimposed thereon. Snapshots like the ones I've been creating are nothing new, of course, and anyone who spends any time whatsoever online -- whether on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, etc. -- is familiar with the medium. I had mixed feelings about creating them at first, because I'm a bit of a traditionalist in that I think there is real value in taking the time to sit down, read a document in its entirety, and derive meaning.

I realized two things, however, that changed my mind and helped me take the plunge into single-shot media. First, I realized it is quite natural for people to want a distilled, simple, readily accessed message -- especially on the Internet. Time is of the essence today more than ever, it seems; and content-browsing online, furthermore, usually lends itself to short bursts of attention. I know that's true for me, most of the time. Second, I remembered that it was a series of very choice quotes, and extractions from larger bodies of text, which helped rescue me from the depths of my own version of Hell.

Since we're all different, not every story, quote, image, axiom, etc. is going to resonate equally among us. And something which resonates powerfully with a person one day may not have the same impact a day or two later.

That's beside the point.

The point is in the willingness to seek and consider new ways of life -- from a new way of looking at the world all the way on up to major lifestyle changes. I'll repeat: it's in the willingness to seek and consider new ways of life -- of being.

Those who seek will find. That I can promise you. It may not be what was originally sought after (or it may); but the journey will provide. The journey will provide the tools and lessons that a person needs in order to get where they want and need to go in life. It's what all the great stories are about, and it's what all the great religions are about. Life is our teacher; we must only be willing to listen.

I'll start to wrap up this post with a few quotes which have been especially helpful to me (one of which is my own):

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." -- George Eliot
"You are never too old to set another goal or dream another dream." -- C. S. Lewis
"Life beats down and crushes the soul, and art reminds you that you have one." -- Stella Adler
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!" -- Henry David Thoreau
"The cure for grief is motion." -- Elbert Hubbard
"If you want to conquer fear, don't sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy." -- Dale Carnegie

And a metaphor I developed which has proven useful on a few occasions:

"If you leave your car in the garage, it won't ever get dented or wrecked; you'll be protecting it, and you'll be protecting yourself from those headaches. That is true. But you also won't ever get anywhere. Take a chance: give primacy to your desire to get where you want to go, and take the car out of the garage." -- Yours Truly

These are but a few of the many which have helped me over the years. I encourage you to seek, collect, and create your own. Develop some metaphors -- they're amazing teachers. Maybe create a file for them on your computer (that's what I did), or a folder to keep in your desk, for quick reference.

There is an ocean of wisdom available to us, and it can be accessed just about anywhere. Anything we see, do, and experience can teach us, if only we let it -- even Hell.

Love

Implausibly, crazily, I find that I'm writing this post from a coffee shop in Boulder, Colorado. It's mid-February, and chilly, but the sun is blazing away in the sky, as it does most days here. Those things aren't necessarily remarkable in and of themselves, but for a kid from upstate New York who has spent basically all his life living in the Northeast, the change of venue -- exemplified by the blissed-out scene I just described -- has been amazing. (The Northeast is awesome, by the way; but it's good for me to be doing something different.) And so, unsurprisingly, perhaps, I find myself thinking about love.

Many people have expressed brilliant things about love in literature and the arts, but for now, I'm thinking of a few things said by one person in particular: Khalil Gibran. Are you familiar with his book, The Prophet? If not, go to a book store, buy it, and read it. I'm not kidding. It contains within it so many pearls of wisdom, and so much guidance for the intrepid life traveler; it's an invaluable resource for anyone willing to consider its content. Anyway, The Prophet has chapters, as do many books, and his section entitled, "Love," is a source of inspiration right now. (I found an excerpt of it online, here, for your reference.)

The passage should be read in its entirety to be fully appreciated, but here's a choice excerpt nevertheless:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden. 

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Naturally, those words will evoke different impressions and interpretations in each of us. The messages, however, are clear. And I want to be clear, too: as I sit here thinking about Love, I'm not only thinking about romantic love. I'm also thinking of the love we infuse into our deeds; our dreams, hopes, and goals; the words we utter; and the thoughts we think. I'm also thinking of the love we experience from the sights we see; the sounds we hear; the textures we feel; and even the very air we breathe.

Love is everywhere, both within our hearts and minds, and in the world and universe which surround us. "But wait," you might say, "I'm heartbroken and angry; I'm tired of myself, and of the pain which others inflict upon me. I'm tired of being disappointed and hurt. How can you say that love is everywhere? I don't see it. How do I find it?" 

Good question. Think on this quote by Rumi: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

Think about the meaning of those incredible words for a moment. It may be one of the most powerful things you ever realize -- it certainly has been for me. Namely, the onus is on each of us to open our hearts to the love within and without. It is no one else's responsibility. The power, and the responsibility, are yours, and only you hold the keys to it.

And now think about the implication of Rumi's words in tandem with those of Khalil Gibran. Here's what I think: Love is the Driving Force of Life. Love is powerful and pure. Love utterly raises us up and utterly tears us down. It makes us feel as though we have everything, and it makes us feel as though we have nothing -- and that we are everything, are nothing. It's tempting, then, to build those barriers, those defense mechanisms, and those cynicisms against love. It's very tempting, because we don't want to get hurt. Sometimes, though, we must hurt in order that we may learn and grow. Sometimes we must hear the thing we don't want to hear, or experience the disappointment we don't want to experience, that we may learn and grow. If we follow love, and love hurts us, then it is our task to hurt, learn, and open ourselves right back up to love's re-entry into our hearts. It is only thus that we will proceed; moreover, if we follow those steps, we must trust that we will proceed intact, with ever-growing capacities for wisdom, understanding, compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness. It is thus that we will become ever more efficient conduits for Love.

Life, and everything that happens to us in it, is a gymnasium in which we train to become better conduits for Love. It's a process, replete with apparent highs, lows, setbacks, and progress. And it's all good, if we let it be as such.

Reframing for Opportunity and Productivity

We all have problems. Some problems are easy to handle: we manage them without distress and move on. Other problems, though, are more difficult. They play on our fears, and they elicit powerful thoughts, impulses, and feelings. The resulting psychological discomfort may tempt us into groping after quick-fix avoidant behaviors which, after all, don't actually help -- and may exacerbate -- the problem. It happens to all of us. As I recently said, none of us is invulnerable in this life. We all have buttons that can be pushed, and life sure as hell pushes them sometimes.

The problem, as I see it, is when we get bogged down and knocked off track by our problems, and especially when we allow our problems to consume us. When things go wrong that really bother us, it's all-too-easy to fall into a pessimistic, angry, and/or victim mentality. The issue with such a mentality, aside from the fact that it exacerbates our suffering, is that it can limit or block altogether our ability to adjust, connect with our goals, and move on.

Pessimism, negativity, anger, and feeling like a victim are normal human experiences, but they are, nevertheless, subjective experiences. Persistent patterns of beliefs in those regards are products of what we call concrete thinking, and its limiting potential is endless -- not a good thing for the intrepid life journeyer. (For illustration, think about the most pessimistic person you know, and recall a conversation with them. If you think about the things they tend to say, you'll probably notice the utter conviction of their views; that is, they firmly, steadfastly believe that their worldview is the way it is, period.) Since persistent negativity is such a powerful experience, though, and since most of us don't necessarily intuitively question our beliefs, it's very tempting to automatically believe and identify with these negative views.

When this happens, and when we are stuck in this type of persistent pattern of thought, we have to recalibrate our thinking in order to truly move on. Fortunately, there's a simple technique -- a simple question -- we can use to help us achieve this aim, and all it requires is a little willpower. Why willpower? Because we will probably discover that negativity has its own allure, and doesn't relinquish control easily. The negativity I'm talking about, after all, is a defense mechanism, and is designed, strange though it may sound, to provide comfort against the pain of disappointment, feeling powerless, and fear. It's kind of like "The Force" in Star Wars: there's a light side and a dark side; the dark side is very powerful and, therefore, tempting -- but it only leads to decay, corruption, slavery, and death. Who needs that? I sure as hell don't. So if we find ourselves succumbing to the gravity of negative thinking, we have to choose something different, and work to make that something different happen.

I digress. The question-thought-technique is simple, and it goes something like this: "Ok, Self, you're miserable. This, this, this, and this are going badly, and everything sucks -- we've established that, right? Right. Ok, let me think...if all this stuff equals misery, and misery equals pain and suffering, then I don't want that, right? Right. So if that's what I don't want...(wait for it)...then what do I want?"

That's it! That's all there is to it! You have to force yourself into thinking about what you want, instead of ruminating perpetually about things you obviously don't. Thinking about what you want unlocks, and allows you to explore, the positive world within yourself, which is where all the good stuff that propels a person in life comes from: hopes, dreams, aspirations, motivation, clarity, passion, and resolve. And the really good news is this: Negative thinking tends to perpetuate more negative thinking, much like a trap, or a downward, never-ending spiral. Positive thinking works on the same self-perpetuating principle, except its results are freedom, joy, and achievement.

Do it up! :)

Serenity Prayer, Saving Money, and Control Issues

“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

That’s the Serenity Prayer. It is perhaps most commonly associated with Alcoholics Anonymous, which has adopted the prayer for the purposes of its program. I won’t be discussing addiction today, but I do think very highly of the Serenity Prayer. It reminds one that many, if not most, things in this life are out of the scope of one’s control. For example, none of us can control the existence of rush hour traffic, or a line at the grocery store, or another person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. But we can accept, even begrudgingly, that we're in the traffic jam; we can breathe through our frustration and choose to wait patiently on line; and we can recognize others' autonomy. 

I’ll argue that much distress arises from what the very existence of the Serenity Prayer indicates; i.e., the human desire for control. We like to do, and to fix. Why? Well, because we are attached to other people, we are attached to expectations (our own and others’), and we are attached to outcomes. We get ideas about what "ought" or "ought not" be, and we take these as Capital-T Truth; we get fused to them, get married to them, and even give over our inherent power of thoughtful perspective to them. If we perceive a threat to what "ought to be," then, we tend to get worked up, and to seek a course of action.

Such attachments (and others) are universal conditions of human life. As such, the Serenity Prayer explicitly acknowledges the existence of impulses for control; but it invokes a re-calibration, so to speak, of one’s inner desire-to-control compass. It gives one hope that, with increased wisdom and clarity, one will be better-able to identify what is truly within and without the scope of one's control and influence; and when one has these realities in one's view, one is empowered to detach, as appropriate, from the impulse to control. And to reiterate: when people lose sight of what they can and can’t control, undue distress may ultimately follow.

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An illustration of this logic is money. I firmly believe that many of us have more control over our money situations than we perhaps would prefer to think we do. A commonly cited nugget of conventional wisdom is that one has to "have money to save money." Well, yes, this is partially true, in the sense that in the total absence of all money, one necessarily cannot save money. Now, please understand that what I’m about to describe doesn't apply to everyone; I’m speaking in particular to wage earners with a car or two, a house, some possessions, food on the table, etc. Many such wage earners are plagued by money problems, and with good reason: participation in modern life is very expensive. But that still does not mean one cannot save money.

Have you heard the principle, “Pay yourself first?” If not, it refers to a simple and effective money-saving strategy represented by what is essentially a mind game. Play along: Think of the bills you have to pay, and add another to the very top of that list – it’s your savings account. (If you don’t have one, you can open one for free, and with no minimum deposit requirement, with any number of banks.) In the “pay yourself first” system, you view saving money as being synonymous with paying a bill. Remember: you probably view bills as non-negotiable; i.e., you have to pay them. So why not give yourself and your financial security the same consideration? Listen, it can even be $5 a pay period to start with if that’s what you think you can do right now. The point is to engage the process and get in the habit: the results will follow.

I’ll bet many of you reading this are still skeptical. If so, here’s a real-world example of how it does, in fact, work: 401k plans (or any employer-sponsored retirement plan). You enroll in the plan, and a retirement account is set up. Concurrently, you determine a percentage of your gross pay to contribute to the plan; that amount is then automatically deducted from your wages. It never enters your cash flow, and you never see it in your paycheck. The amount left over is what you have to work with to pay bills, buy groceries, and put gas in your car. Amazingly, awesomely, as time passes, those deductions accumulate. Paying yourself first works the same exact way.

We are emotional creatures. We are highly fallible, impulsive, and prone to misjudgment. And we are prone to misjudgment about our purchases and cash flow management behaviors, and whether we do actually have money in our paychecks to set aside. My guess is that if you’re reading this, there are hidden expenses in your life you aren’t even aware of: things you could do without and really not even have to sacrifice too much by going without. Money represents an agreement, or an idea. It is governed by numbers and arithmetic and logic, all of which are decidedly a-emotional. Paying yourself first -- an inherently automatic, logic-driven process that falls outside the day-to-day scope of fallible decision-making -- is an emotionless process. It leverages the systems that govern financial processes. And it works as a savings strategy. I promise.

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We sometimes mistake our subjective, often-faulty perceptions for an objective, absolute reality. We sometimes reach conclusions that don’t tell the whole story; but we decide or assume they do. Sometimes, we can’t see a way out of something; and instead of seeking to learn about new, as-yet unknown ways forward, we decide that our limited perception is reality, and that if “I can’t see a way out now, there must not be a way out.” We have more power than this. We all have a genius within us; and the Serenity Prayer -- and other grounding tools like it -- can help us tap into that genius. 

I'll end with one of my favorite quotes:

"You will be much more in control if you realize how much you are not in control." -- Antonio Damasio

Vlog #2 -- Mental Health & Personal Finance

Here's the link to vlog #2: Mental Health & Personal Finance. This is a particular passion of mine, and it's difficult for me to adequately address all aspects of this in a 6 minute video. If the linkages and details seem a little hazy, let me know and I'll redouble my efforts. In the meantime, though, thanks for viewing.

What do you love to do?

The title of this post pretty much sums it up. There's a lot of benefit to be derived from answering that question, or from even just giving yourself space and time to consider the question.

If "love" is too strong a word to start with, use "like" instead. And if "like" is too much for now, try "enjoy." Do not impose rules on how you answer! It can be a brainstorming process if you like, or you can sit and ponder it and write out a single sentence or phrase. Work with your preference of the moment.

I recently posted about the practice of noting daily the things you've done well, or are proud of, etc. Likewise, answering this question can be part of your daily practice. Or, it can simply be a reminder to yourself; or a springboard to finding your way back to the answers within.

Persistence

Persistence is good, right? It's the term we give to that certain quality of doggedly moving ever forward, come what may, toward one's goal. Persistence is necessary to achieve goals, because obstacles, or seeming-disincentives to proceed, can and do arise. And we humans, animals that we are, tend to have to will ourselves to favor the long-term over the short-term. In other words, we're rolling in this game with loaded dice: we're wired for pleasure and gratification! Ask any behaviorist out there: we learn, by way of conditioning and reinforcement, how to respond and what to do in given situations. And if we're doing something that brings us periodic, sometimes unpredictable disappointment, discomfort, or pain, our initial impulse may be to stop doing that something.

And so, to get what is not immediately within our grasp, we need persistence.

Now, remember my jag in the previous post about continua? Here, too, I am hesitant to label persistence as, simply, "good." I think it's definitely much farther along toward the "good" side than the "bad," granted, but it's important for us to remember, when endeavoring to achieve, that we must always of necessity make room in our lives for the things we want to get -- and the process and practice of making room for things can be difficult at times. After all, it requires that we disrupt the status quo and seek a new balance. Sometimes this requires others' cooperation, which is where things can get especially tricky, and require even more persistence (i.e., we don't always share an agenda with the key stakeholders of our lives: our partners, friends, family, etc.).

You get the gist.

When pursuing your goal, be willing to make room for it, be willing to grow, and be willing to tolerate some possible discomfort along the way. But know that discomfort, in and of itself, isn't necessarily "bad." Depending on the context, discomfort can be in service of cultivating a deeper contentedness. Think of someone who wants to get in shape, for example. Maybe they go to the gym, or maybe they take up jogging or mountain biking. Whatever they choose will involve some temporary discomfort. Ultimately, however, the satisfaction derived from getting in shape -- i.e., the achievement and manifestation of one's goals -- far outweighs any discomfort which occurred along the way.

So: Be persistent. It's worth it.

Beliefs, and Pessimism<----->Optimism

I think that our beliefs about ourselves and our external reality (i.e., the world), whether based in fact or fiction, or rational or irrational processes, go a long way toward determining the course of our lives. These beliefs, if not at the very core of our mind-oriented processes, are embedded deep enough within us as to usually be implicit; that is, these beliefs occupy a domain which usually lies outside our conscious processes, thereby influencing our conscious processes from some deeper, somewhat murky position. (Apologies to Freud and his disciples.)

In general, I'm very interested in the nature of people's beliefs as a point of interest. But beliefs become, to my way of thinking, a potentially very important focal point for consideration if a person is having difficulty in their life. Now, it's important, perhaps, for you to know that I tend to view many aspects of existence and behavior as being on a continuum. (For example, I think "sexual orientation" occupies a continuum: any given person at a given point in their life falls somewhere on it, to my way of thinking.) Let's leave that, in and of itself, alone for the time being. Rather, for now, it should suffice to know that one of the continuum lenses through which I tend to view people's beliefs is that of optimism-pessimism.

Straight up: I'm biased against pervasive pessimism (cynicism). Granted, I do think pessimism makes sense, and has a very logical utility. Plainly, I think that pessimism is essentially a hedge against disappointment: it's a way of guarding oneself from the pain of an unfavorable outcome or development. It's a lot easier to move on from a failure, or from a negative development, if one assumes an attitude of expecting failures or negative developments from the get-go. And if something "good" does happen, it's a pleasant surprise; and even then, of course, the prevailing pessimism will prevent the person from letting their guard down in celebration *too* much.

I get it. I also get that people have very good reasons for developing such pessimism. But I think that, ultimately, pessimism is akin to the local crime syndicate offering a storekeeper "protection" for a price. The price, in this case, is multifaceted, and could probably warrant a separate essay unto itself. In sum, though, the price is an eroded ability to envision and entertain life's possibilities and, therefore, an eroded ability to honor and manifest one's unique gifts. It's really the latter thing there that bothers me. Why? Because I think we're here to learn, grow, and share our gifts with the world as best we can; and it bothers me when people unnecessarily (to my way of thinking) limit themselves.

There's another point I'd like to make about pessimism as a pervasive perspective: I think it's simply easier for people to identify reasons why they (or another) *can't* pursue a goal/dream/desire than it is to seek reasons why they (or another) *can.* Practiced with enough doggedness, such habits of thinking engender the routine use of words like "should" and "ought" with respect to hopes, dreams, wants, needs, and reasonable courses of action. And people often get into trouble when they set up unreasonably restrictive shoulds and oughts to govern their contemplative and action-taking processes.

It is my position that a tendency toward seeking reasons why one *can* pursue what they want or need -- i.e., an opportunity-focused perspective -- better-facilitates one's ability to access the motivation to pursue one's wants and needs. Furthermore, an opportunity-focused perspective does not deny the existence of obstacles, disappointments, and setbacks; rather, it allows for them, it reasonably accommodates them, and it ultimately enables a person to truly move on and reach higher.

Now, none of this is black-and-white, of course, and it is not intended to apply to all things. Taken too far, the perspective I am touting could lead to very destructive and harmful behavior. There are some things people should not do -- and I use the word "should" very intentionally here. I think the principle "do no harm" ought to rule the day, or at least be on one's personal Board of Directors. None of us are islands unto ourselves, and our actions do not exist in a vacuum. No, our actions affect others, and we have a responsibility to others by virtue of living in a society. On another note, I acknowledge that my perspective is biased: I am a White American Man, plain and simple. In theory anyway, I love the ideas of independence, individualism, and self-actualization. I've enjoyed the trappings and benefits of my circumstances, a fact which I happily own; and I acknowledge that my perspective may not be compatible with others'. But you know what? I think that much of what I'm saying is good and true, and my intentions are in service of well-being.

Thanks for reading.