A Simple Way to Feel Better

An old acquaintance of mine who is in the military recently shared an insight on Facebook as to what has helped him become a calmer, happier, kinder person. This particular practice, he said, has proven more effective than any single method he had previously tried. So what is it? Drumroll please...

Exercise.

(Ok, I can practically see some of you rolling your eyes, having just read that. Bear with me.) Granted, the person I'm referring to indicated that his daily regime involves being pushed to physical exhaustion every day; and while that might be plausible for a person in the military, it's certainly less so for most of us. I'll go out on a limb and say it's also not really desirable for most of us. (It isn't for me, I'll tell you that.) Nevertheless, his insight -- the positive effects of exercise on one's mental health -- is valid for everyone.

Now, this isn't necessarily news to you, I'm sure. You've probably encountered a veritable media mountain of articles, news stories, and advertisements concerning the benefits of exercise. I'm throwing my hat in the ring, though, because I can tell you from personal experience that it's very, very true: physical exercise has a hugely positive impact on a person's mental health. Most of the stuff we read focuses on exercise's physical benefits, and maybe mentions mental health benefits as an afterthought or aside. No. I'm going to say that physical exercise has at least as important an impact on mental health as it does on physical health. It's that powerful an influence. (Need further proof? Exercise is often "prescribed" as a behavioral component of mental health therapy.)

Physical exercise can come in many forms. In other words, you don't have to join a gym, and you don't have to push yourself to exhaustion, to get its benefits. In fact, I've seen plenty of articles which suggest that even ten minutes of continuous, moderate physical activity can improve a person's mood. "Moderate activity" can mean a lot of different things. It can be achieved in things as simple and routine as a walk around the neighborhood or the grocery store or the mall, or in cleaning a room of your home. And of course, it can also be achieved via activities which are more traditionally thought of as "exercise," such as playing a sport, doing yoga, hiking, biking, jogging, swimming, etc.

I don't really like giving advice, per se, but I'm going to do it anyway: do something you enjoy. For me, I love taking walks, for example. I can't tell you how many times a simple, short walk has helped me gain clarity, relax, and simply feel better. I started with walking, and gradually have picked up several other activities I enjoy. It might sound simple, but for me, for whatever reason, it took me awhile to grasp it: I'm much more likely to exercise with regularity if I do something I enjoy. So it's a double benefit, you know? Doing a physical activity you enjoy will bring you immediate, positive feedback; and when you've completed it, you'll have the additional benefits of knowing you've done well by both your body and mind.

Have a good one!

Serenity Prayer, Saving Money, and Control Issues

“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

That’s the Serenity Prayer. It is perhaps most commonly associated with Alcoholics Anonymous, which has adopted the prayer for the purposes of its program. I won’t be discussing addiction today, but I do think very highly of the Serenity Prayer. It reminds one that many, if not most, things in this life are out of the scope of one’s control. For example, none of us can control the existence of rush hour traffic, or a line at the grocery store, or another person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. But we can accept, even begrudgingly, that we're in the traffic jam; we can breathe through our frustration and choose to wait patiently on line; and we can recognize others' autonomy. 

I’ll argue that much distress arises from what the very existence of the Serenity Prayer indicates; i.e., the human desire for control. We like to do, and to fix. Why? Well, because we are attached to other people, we are attached to expectations (our own and others’), and we are attached to outcomes. We get ideas about what "ought" or "ought not" be, and we take these as Capital-T Truth; we get fused to them, get married to them, and even give over our inherent power of thoughtful perspective to them. If we perceive a threat to what "ought to be," then, we tend to get worked up, and to seek a course of action.

Such attachments (and others) are universal conditions of human life. As such, the Serenity Prayer explicitly acknowledges the existence of impulses for control; but it invokes a re-calibration, so to speak, of one’s inner desire-to-control compass. It gives one hope that, with increased wisdom and clarity, one will be better-able to identify what is truly within and without the scope of one's control and influence; and when one has these realities in one's view, one is empowered to detach, as appropriate, from the impulse to control. And to reiterate: when people lose sight of what they can and can’t control, undue distress may ultimately follow.

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An illustration of this logic is money. I firmly believe that many of us have more control over our money situations than we perhaps would prefer to think we do. A commonly cited nugget of conventional wisdom is that one has to "have money to save money." Well, yes, this is partially true, in the sense that in the total absence of all money, one necessarily cannot save money. Now, please understand that what I’m about to describe doesn't apply to everyone; I’m speaking in particular to wage earners with a car or two, a house, some possessions, food on the table, etc. Many such wage earners are plagued by money problems, and with good reason: participation in modern life is very expensive. But that still does not mean one cannot save money.

Have you heard the principle, “Pay yourself first?” If not, it refers to a simple and effective money-saving strategy represented by what is essentially a mind game. Play along: Think of the bills you have to pay, and add another to the very top of that list – it’s your savings account. (If you don’t have one, you can open one for free, and with no minimum deposit requirement, with any number of banks.) In the “pay yourself first” system, you view saving money as being synonymous with paying a bill. Remember: you probably view bills as non-negotiable; i.e., you have to pay them. So why not give yourself and your financial security the same consideration? Listen, it can even be $5 a pay period to start with if that’s what you think you can do right now. The point is to engage the process and get in the habit: the results will follow.

I’ll bet many of you reading this are still skeptical. If so, here’s a real-world example of how it does, in fact, work: 401k plans (or any employer-sponsored retirement plan). You enroll in the plan, and a retirement account is set up. Concurrently, you determine a percentage of your gross pay to contribute to the plan; that amount is then automatically deducted from your wages. It never enters your cash flow, and you never see it in your paycheck. The amount left over is what you have to work with to pay bills, buy groceries, and put gas in your car. Amazingly, awesomely, as time passes, those deductions accumulate. Paying yourself first works the same exact way.

We are emotional creatures. We are highly fallible, impulsive, and prone to misjudgment. And we are prone to misjudgment about our purchases and cash flow management behaviors, and whether we do actually have money in our paychecks to set aside. My guess is that if you’re reading this, there are hidden expenses in your life you aren’t even aware of: things you could do without and really not even have to sacrifice too much by going without. Money represents an agreement, or an idea. It is governed by numbers and arithmetic and logic, all of which are decidedly a-emotional. Paying yourself first -- an inherently automatic, logic-driven process that falls outside the day-to-day scope of fallible decision-making -- is an emotionless process. It leverages the systems that govern financial processes. And it works as a savings strategy. I promise.

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We sometimes mistake our subjective, often-faulty perceptions for an objective, absolute reality. We sometimes reach conclusions that don’t tell the whole story; but we decide or assume they do. Sometimes, we can’t see a way out of something; and instead of seeking to learn about new, as-yet unknown ways forward, we decide that our limited perception is reality, and that if “I can’t see a way out now, there must not be a way out.” We have more power than this. We all have a genius within us; and the Serenity Prayer -- and other grounding tools like it -- can help us tap into that genius. 

I'll end with one of my favorite quotes:

"You will be much more in control if you realize how much you are not in control." -- Antonio Damasio

What do you love to do?

The title of this post pretty much sums it up. There's a lot of benefit to be derived from answering that question, or from even just giving yourself space and time to consider the question.

If "love" is too strong a word to start with, use "like" instead. And if "like" is too much for now, try "enjoy." Do not impose rules on how you answer! It can be a brainstorming process if you like, or you can sit and ponder it and write out a single sentence or phrase. Work with your preference of the moment.

I recently posted about the practice of noting daily the things you've done well, or are proud of, etc. Likewise, answering this question can be part of your daily practice. Or, it can simply be a reminder to yourself; or a springboard to finding your way back to the answers within.

Homework

Try this: toward the end of whatever day you read this, take 3-5 minutes and write down the things you've done well and / or are proud of today. It's important to let yourself acknowledge such things, because many of us tend to focus solely on, and thereby remember only, our shortcomings. That, in turn, can contribute to low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and self-defeatism.

Here are a few examples of the good things I did today:

-I completed a 6.4-mile hike
-I ate a healthy, nutritious breakfast
-I'm writing this list for the second day in a row
-I took some time to practice my guitar
-I saved a lot of money for the week to come by buying groceries to cover all my meals

Got it, right? Yeah, you do. :)

Mental health, clear-mindedness, and positive self-esteem are things to be practiced, much like physical health can be "practiced" or maintained with a balanced diet, plenty of exercise, rest, etc. Keep these things in mind, and ask yourself how you can regularly, intentionally contribute to your own psychological well-being.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.: 7 Ways to Train the Self-Care Habit

It didn't occur to me until now that I might use this space to link to others' content. This is a great little article on self-care:

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.: 7 Ways to Train the Self-Care Habit

The Adaptive Nature of Emotions

As the title suggests, our emotions have an adaptive nature. That is, they have utility and purpose -- or, rather, they can have utility and purpose if we allow ourselves to see them that way. To paraphrase one of my former teachers, it can be helpful to conceptualize emotions as messengers, and to ask the question, "what is this feeling trying to communicate to me?" After all, emotions do not simply occur; they do not, like the cheese, stand alone. Emotions exist in relationship to our conscious and subconscious thoughts, hopes, goals, expectations, etc., and to our physical circumstances. Thus, it can be difficult, and even futile, to parse out our emotions in service of determining their origin, as they are likely tangled up with a lot of other stuff. But it can be very helpful and grounding to seek out what they're trying to tell us. 

I'll use myself as an example. I'm looking for work, and it's a slow process. It's frustrating, in fact. I periodically find myself sighing, shaking my head, feeling tense, etc. as I search for jobs. So I take a step back and ask, "what is my frustration communicating to me?" In this case, the answer is pretty simple: I want a job, and I want one now; and since I don't have one now, I want the rest of my search to be easy and quick. Expectations and Desires, meet Reality. It is helpful for me to recognize this, because it tells me 1) I should, for my own peace of mind, adjust my expectations, and 2) give myself props for knowing and pursuing what I want.

Views and Points, and Points of View

I was out for a walk around my neighborhood with someone the other evening, and we strolled by a small, three-or-so-story office building. Since it was getting dark outside, it was easy to see through one of the windows into an illuminated room. There was movement inside that caught our attentions, and we both stole a look as we walked by. My initial glance made me laugh, because my brain had very obviously not accurately perceived the scene inside. (I'll refrain from disclosing what I thought I saw. Suffice to say it was 'haha' worthy at the time.) At any rate, my walking companion, it turns out, had perceived something else entirely in those brief passing moments -- something, it would seem, that was closer to the reality of what was actually happening in the room. I, on the other hand, had seen the same details, but my senses and perception had conspired to compose an entirely different scenario of what we were seeing.

Aside from providing unsolicited insight into the strange little workings of my mind, the difference in our conclusions is revealing, and has broad implications regarding "reality." I am not a philosophical scholar, so I won't embarrass myself by attempting to discuss the minutiae of the nature of reality -- others have done that for centuries. For my purposes now, I'll just take it as a given that, to us humans, reality is a thing we perceive to be so. There may be an Objective Reality out there, but we haven't found it yet; so again, reality is a thing we perceive to be so.

Many of us agree on certain definitions of things as to make life, generally speaking, more synchronous. Language is one such thing, for example: we agree to use certain symbols in certain sequences as to indicate concepts, objects, people, etc., and we construct our mutually agreed-upon reality around that; i.e., you know what I mean (more or less, anyway) when I say the words "air conditioner." Usually, in a casual interaction, one person can mention an air conditioner and proceed without having to really explain what, exactly, they mean when they say "air conditioner." This is why it's so interesting to me when two people look at literally the same thing and yet see two completely different things. When the agreed-upon concept suddenly isn't agreed-upon; or when one party, fully invested in and believing their perception of a thing or event or concept or whatever, realizes that the other party sees things differently, there is confusion and mystery.

There are many paths we could take at this juncture of the discussion, of course, but this blog is about mental health. What implications, then, does all of this stuff have for mental health? Well, there are many, which is pretty much my point. We each attach meaning to the events of our lives. We endow people, objects, and even ourselves with certain characteristics, and we label them as such; moreover, we tend to attach to these definitions and deem them to be capital-t Truth. The work of psychological maintenance and upkeep, then, often requires that we re-examine these supposed Truths, and open ourselves to the possibility that there might just be other, equally valid ways of defining, or looking at, things. Just as it's unwise to tighten a screw too much for fear of stripping its head, so is it (often) problematic when we get too rigid and inflexible -- i.e., too tight -- with our Truths. A too-rigid Truth construct can lead to myriad problems. Why? Well, if one tends to view Truth in terms of all-or-nothing, black-and-white terms, indicated by statements such as, "he's a bad person!", then one neglects the gray areas -- the uncertainty -- which seems to characterize this earthly existence in actuality. How else could there be so much variation in our versions of Truth? What is life but a mystery, after all?

Persistence

Persistence is good, right? It's the term we give to that certain quality of doggedly moving ever forward, come what may, toward one's goal. Persistence is necessary to achieve goals, because obstacles, or seeming-disincentives to proceed, can and do arise. And we humans, animals that we are, tend to have to will ourselves to favor the long-term over the short-term. In other words, we're rolling in this game with loaded dice: we're wired for pleasure and gratification! Ask any behaviorist out there: we learn, by way of conditioning and reinforcement, how to respond and what to do in given situations. And if we're doing something that brings us periodic, sometimes unpredictable disappointment, discomfort, or pain, our initial impulse may be to stop doing that something.

And so, to get what is not immediately within our grasp, we need persistence.

Now, remember my jag in the previous post about continua? Here, too, I am hesitant to label persistence as, simply, "good." I think it's definitely much farther along toward the "good" side than the "bad," granted, but it's important for us to remember, when endeavoring to achieve, that we must always of necessity make room in our lives for the things we want to get -- and the process and practice of making room for things can be difficult at times. After all, it requires that we disrupt the status quo and seek a new balance. Sometimes this requires others' cooperation, which is where things can get especially tricky, and require even more persistence (i.e., we don't always share an agenda with the key stakeholders of our lives: our partners, friends, family, etc.).

You get the gist.

When pursuing your goal, be willing to make room for it, be willing to grow, and be willing to tolerate some possible discomfort along the way. But know that discomfort, in and of itself, isn't necessarily "bad." Depending on the context, discomfort can be in service of cultivating a deeper contentedness. Think of someone who wants to get in shape, for example. Maybe they go to the gym, or maybe they take up jogging or mountain biking. Whatever they choose will involve some temporary discomfort. Ultimately, however, the satisfaction derived from getting in shape -- i.e., the achievement and manifestation of one's goals -- far outweighs any discomfort which occurred along the way.

So: Be persistent. It's worth it.

Beliefs, and Pessimism<----->Optimism

I think that our beliefs about ourselves and our external reality (i.e., the world), whether based in fact or fiction, or rational or irrational processes, go a long way toward determining the course of our lives. These beliefs, if not at the very core of our mind-oriented processes, are embedded deep enough within us as to usually be implicit; that is, these beliefs occupy a domain which usually lies outside our conscious processes, thereby influencing our conscious processes from some deeper, somewhat murky position. (Apologies to Freud and his disciples.)

In general, I'm very interested in the nature of people's beliefs as a point of interest. But beliefs become, to my way of thinking, a potentially very important focal point for consideration if a person is having difficulty in their life. Now, it's important, perhaps, for you to know that I tend to view many aspects of existence and behavior as being on a continuum. (For example, I think "sexual orientation" occupies a continuum: any given person at a given point in their life falls somewhere on it, to my way of thinking.) Let's leave that, in and of itself, alone for the time being. Rather, for now, it should suffice to know that one of the continuum lenses through which I tend to view people's beliefs is that of optimism-pessimism.

Straight up: I'm biased against pervasive pessimism (cynicism). Granted, I do think pessimism makes sense, and has a very logical utility. Plainly, I think that pessimism is essentially a hedge against disappointment: it's a way of guarding oneself from the pain of an unfavorable outcome or development. It's a lot easier to move on from a failure, or from a negative development, if one assumes an attitude of expecting failures or negative developments from the get-go. And if something "good" does happen, it's a pleasant surprise; and even then, of course, the prevailing pessimism will prevent the person from letting their guard down in celebration *too* much.

I get it. I also get that people have very good reasons for developing such pessimism. But I think that, ultimately, pessimism is akin to the local crime syndicate offering a storekeeper "protection" for a price. The price, in this case, is multifaceted, and could probably warrant a separate essay unto itself. In sum, though, the price is an eroded ability to envision and entertain life's possibilities and, therefore, an eroded ability to honor and manifest one's unique gifts. It's really the latter thing there that bothers me. Why? Because I think we're here to learn, grow, and share our gifts with the world as best we can; and it bothers me when people unnecessarily (to my way of thinking) limit themselves.

There's another point I'd like to make about pessimism as a pervasive perspective: I think it's simply easier for people to identify reasons why they (or another) *can't* pursue a goal/dream/desire than it is to seek reasons why they (or another) *can.* Practiced with enough doggedness, such habits of thinking engender the routine use of words like "should" and "ought" with respect to hopes, dreams, wants, needs, and reasonable courses of action. And people often get into trouble when they set up unreasonably restrictive shoulds and oughts to govern their contemplative and action-taking processes.

It is my position that a tendency toward seeking reasons why one *can* pursue what they want or need -- i.e., an opportunity-focused perspective -- better-facilitates one's ability to access the motivation to pursue one's wants and needs. Furthermore, an opportunity-focused perspective does not deny the existence of obstacles, disappointments, and setbacks; rather, it allows for them, it reasonably accommodates them, and it ultimately enables a person to truly move on and reach higher.

Now, none of this is black-and-white, of course, and it is not intended to apply to all things. Taken too far, the perspective I am touting could lead to very destructive and harmful behavior. There are some things people should not do -- and I use the word "should" very intentionally here. I think the principle "do no harm" ought to rule the day, or at least be on one's personal Board of Directors. None of us are islands unto ourselves, and our actions do not exist in a vacuum. No, our actions affect others, and we have a responsibility to others by virtue of living in a society. On another note, I acknowledge that my perspective is biased: I am a White American Man, plain and simple. In theory anyway, I love the ideas of independence, individualism, and self-actualization. I've enjoyed the trappings and benefits of my circumstances, a fact which I happily own; and I acknowledge that my perspective may not be compatible with others'. But you know what? I think that much of what I'm saying is good and true, and my intentions are in service of well-being.

Thanks for reading.